The day after…

...my clandestine meeting with my work colleague who has got a girlfriend. I can’t even think of all the reasons this is so wrong. We work together for the same company. I don’t date work colleagues, as this is not very professional. Moreover,  if things don’t work out, it makes things complicated and unnecessarily painful.

The one will be kinda solved as I will be leaving the company in a week’s time. So less complications on that front.

But then, he’s got a girlfriend. I’ve never dated a guy that (I knew of) had a girlfriend. I would have never even considered. The only reason this got out of hand is because I’ve had several work social encounters with this guy and he never mentioned he had a girlfriend. So, I started liking him a while ago, but then I never did anything about it cause I was in a relationship myself.

Since I am now single and the work events happened, we ended up chatting again. So, after some more flirting, the guy tells me he’s got a girlfriend in a contextual conversation. And I have no idea what to do with this new information, because that’s not the sort of signal I’ve been getting from him. So, several drinks later, inhibitions lower and things get complicated.

Things got even more complicated yesterday, when we actually met up after work on a pre-arranged date, a week after the work event. He actually had to lie to his girlfriend about it. So we are most surely getting into murky waters here.

I don’t know how to deal with several feelings – I generally don’t do very well with feelings, logical thoughts are my strength:

 - Guilt – I don’t want to be THAT girl. The girl that his girlfriend will hate when she finds out (yes, it is just a matter of time)

- Fear – of falling for a guy with a girlfriend who cannot offer me anything 

- Attraction – the chemistry is clearly there, I feel very attracted to the guy, he’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s physically fit, he’s just right in every single way - when he gets close to me, I want to get closer to him - but I can't just be the girl on the side, that's not me

- Pleasure – I actually enjoy being with him. I like him as a guy, we have things in common, he makes me laugh and have butterflies in my stomach

- Confusion – is the guy more appealing to me just because he’s unattainable? Would I feel this way if he was just a normal guy? Everything in me screams yes, I still would, but how can you ever know?

I am scared because I’ve never done this before. It feels so wrong and so nice in the same time. Not exactly sure where to go with this, how to play this and what it is that we are doing. Not sure if he's not sexually happy in the relationship so he is just looking to get something extra on the side? He is not acting towards that direction. He seems to be looking for a connection.

Is he emotionally not happy and is looking for an escape route? Can I and do I want to be that escape route?

I don’t want to get hurt. But I like to play. And the biggest problem is that he is playing as well. I just wish he didn’t.