Today, I have disappointed a person I care for deeply. I know apologies don't quite do the trick, but this is all I've got my dear P.
I am an imperfect human being. I don't always do the right thing. Sometimes I just lose myself and have no idea how to get back on the right path.
I am sorry, I am weak and stupid, and sometimes take the easy way, the way that leads no nowhere but I still get onto it.
Why? Because I just haven't got the strength to always be correct and reliable and be the best I can be. Sometimes I just have to be the worst.
Sometimes I just need to get lost. Sometimes I just need to self destruct. I need to let go of all rationality and fairness. I never expect what I don't give. I am always guided by this higher sense of being correct and in balance in a relationship. And sometimes, just sometimes ... I need to fall down the rabbit hole and just take a break. I need to not give, not care...lose everything, take all that I can and just fall. Stretch my arms wide open, close my eyes and fall.
Will I feel guilty and struggle with my own morality? Yes
Will I hate myself and have a tendency to punish myself? Yes
Will I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? Yes
Will I feel like I've just used another human being? Yes
Will I feel that I should stay away from people because I'm bad for them? Yes
Will I feel that I should've known better and never let myself driven by impulse? Yes
Do I need to get out of pure rational state and get into unbalance ? Yes
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