looking for a connection

Having been through online dating sites, speed dating and singles events, I have of course met a lot of guys. But after all of this, I am not sure where the fun ends and the cynicism starts. 

Considering the fact that we are all "unique and special in our way" - the line that you learn to accept as it is because it sounds too nice to dispute it - I am not sure how different, but how similar we all are. 

Dating all these men is definitely an experience in itself that I would recommend to anyone who has self-esteem issue or it too shy to speak to people or just generally wants to improve on social skills. Dating in London is very good for developing all that: you meet these strangers, then go out, so you have to make conversation, you have to asses you position, send signals, receive signals, constantly interacting at so many levels in a new environment. 

This is what some people might call a Gemini heaven. I am not only very comfortable around new people and new things, but I am able to come across just the right amount of interested, flirty, witty, easygoing, funny and intelligent to keep these guys interested. The problem is that when I get home after these brief encounters I am lacking a connection. 

I am not entirely sure what this connection is about - but all and all, it feels empty. Maybe because I am empty on the inside. I know that my break-up with P. has been a devastating one not only for him, but for my soul. I always wondered what will remain of my soul after all these break-ups and here you have - nothing it seems. 

I do get the occasional beat when I meet someone that really catches my attention, such as D. and that's the slippery moment when I think I might have my soul back. But once the novelty wears off and you find yourself on a Saturday that you were supposed to be in Windsor but you're on your sofa, on your own, in your flat feeling happy because you didn't go in the end, that's when you know it's all a bit wonky. 

Thinking about another date tonight and how I will have to go through the same conversation on where I am from, what do I do for a job and all the things I believe in, I just get a bit tired at even the thought. Is it cynicism already?

[...] later on after tonight's date - life has set itself to show me how surprising things can be. my date was interesting, not repetitive at all and I genuinely felt so at ease and pleasantly surprised by this new guy, B.