"Me too. S. x"

D. is the guy that I should've never dated again and again. He is the guy that makes my body tingle when I think of him.

D. is the guy the I like because my brain gets high when I am close to him. But how much chemistry will take me? The same sort of chemistry started my relationship with P. more than 3 years ago and it ended nowhere. I know this was gonna go nowhere, but the road was gonna be fun. And it was intense, passionate, amazingly beautiful and better than I could have ever imagined.

I actually felt guilty one night when I went over to D. just to receive. To get cared for, massaged, spoiled, loved and basically feel like that person would not rather be anywhere else in the world and with no one else but me. I was small and falling apart. I was picked up from the station, I was put in a warm room, tucked into bed, given some nice nibbles, cooked for, held in his arms, caressed, massaged and warmed up with his body heat.

When I left in the morning, ready to face the world again, I saw it. It was staring me in the face the entire time, but I don't think I was able to face it earlier. On a small piece of whiteboard, on which I wrote a few weeks back when I stayed over previously "thanks for having me over A. x".... Well, now, there was a small writing of "me too S. x" right underneath it.

My heart sank. I experienced jealousy, a feeling I am not greatly accustomed simply because I consider it to be one of the lowest feelings of the human race. I was taken aback but the pure simpleness and yet I never saw it coming. It just hit me right in the face.

Next stage... I was amused, cause I asked him and I don't think he noticed it either. He started to laugh and changed the subject. Now it's not like I'm not seeing other guys, but at least I've been honest about it whereas he never mentioned it before.

I then felt relief. I didn't have to feel guilty about going over there to take, take, take from the "poor" guy. I could also end everything between us while I had a good excuse and it was easy. Before things got serious or should I say emotional.

So, for the few times in my life... I did it. I chose life. I chose a fucking big screen TV and not gone for the self destruction path of taking him with me. I walked away. Maybe not the best way, as I just texted him. Maybe I should've called. But I am far from perfect. I knew if I would've called then he would see how hurt I was. I didn't want him to think I care. Because even if I do, I will so quickly get past it, whereas I know he won't.

So, I did it. I walked away. Here it is for a ... Fucking big screen TV.